July 14

12:55am – Things have not gotten better for Dan.  Something in the lungs. It’s not looking too good.

And I’m wondering if it’s my fault.

I’m the last person to visit him before this.  Maybe I spread something? Is it possible? How long would it take to incubate? Gill got sick shortly after she got home from dropping me off, what if I had it, wasn’t affected, but still carried it?

Dr. B had come to me personally to give me the news, and given my previous experience I can’t thank him enough. They need to explore and make sure this is not a rejection issue, I think.

….

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. I just heard Code Blue? What have I done?

It worked once before. I hope to hell it works again:

And because everyone loved him so much, Dan soon got better and made a full recovery. Noah was happy.  The end.

A writer is a magician. This is a spell.

 

4:11am – Dr. B revisited me. There is a kind of clot in his liver – my former liver.  They are going to try another donation if he stabilizes, I think.  I can’t be certain of anything right now. I tell you I won’t mind if they end up donating a different liver into him.  Life is what matters, not bragging rights over who is responsible.    He says we should know more around 9am.

The next 5 hours are going to be hard but I have to try and sleep.

It’s not my fault.

New spell: But Dan was a tough old bird and had been through worse. When the Reaper came to collect he said, “Sure thing. Check’s in the mail.”

 

6:30am – I’m off the epidural now, soon it and the catheter will be gone. An itching sensation is growing along the staple line, I’d hate to be the guy who had to relax right now.

Ah crap.

Time for another drift down lack-of-memory-lane

 

Staying awake is had to do.

I keep drifting in and out

Wonder how Dan is right now? I still won’t know more for another hour and a half to two hours.  [

 

Stitches are starting to burn a little more , especially at the top. They going to move.

 

Somewhere between 7 and 8am

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

He called me his blood brother yesterday.

I just killed my brother.

A member of Dr. B’s team broke the news to me. Later, he came himself and spoke to me. To be honest it’s all a bit of a blur.

I cried talking to Wyatt. I know it’s not my fault, but I can’t help but feel the opposite. I was the one eager to help, I never once talked about backing out… maybe if we had just waited for the situation to get worse they wouldn’t have had to use MY liver, the one that got a clot somehow and… fuck.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I knew what the risks were. Dan knew what the risks were. But this was supposed to have a happy ending. This was supposed to WORK. This was supposed to be something which someone might read and do the same for a loved one in trouble, not become a cautionary tale!

This was supposed to end with as much of the family as possible getting together for a barbecue like the old days.

This was supposed to end with another 15 years for Dan.

This was supposed to end with a feeling I’d made a difference.

After grandpa died.

After grandma died.

After Kevin died.

This was a chance for one of us to stand up and say “Not today!”

But the Reaper doesn’t take cheques, it seems, or credit cards or IOUs.

What was it all for?

 

I said from the start that I ‘d go into this with no regrets. Even if Dan didn’t make it it was the right thing to do. It will always have been the right thing to do.

And the part of me that believes in fairy tales said that should have been enough.

The short URL of the present article is: http://noahjdchinnbooks.com/oWMoL
  1. It will always have been the right thing to do…

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